Funny Inspirational Quotes

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• What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.
• A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.
• Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.
• Blorft’ is an adjective I just made up that means completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum. I have been Blorft every day for the past seven years.
• In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, ‘Keep your facts, I’m going with the truth.’
• If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I’d be broke.
• The more you know, the sadder you get.
• There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.
• Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
• Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.
• The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.
• Contrary to what people may say, there’s no upper limit on stupidity.
• Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.
• Don’t cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it’ll be free yogurt.
• We’re not kissing. We’re feeding each other like baby birds.
• If you find me, please let me know where the hell I’ve been.
• People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel.
• Bob Ross is very calming. 5 min into this show, it feels like you’ve been fucked to death by a thousand pillows.
• Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.
• Airplane toilets are aggressive. It wasn’t until I got back to my seat that I noticed my pants and testicles were missing.
• Anyone know the number to 911?
• What would you say to your barber? I’m really protective of my penis. Which haircut will make sure it never meets anyone?
• No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
• Our job is improving the quality of life, not just delaying death.
• You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.
• For a while you get mad, then you get over it.
• Please, don’t worry so much… Because in the end none of us have very long on this earth.
• I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.
• I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy.
• You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
• The only weapon we have is comedy.
• Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
• If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
• Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.
• People who criticize you have usually never achieved anywhere near what you have. Most of them would be too scared to even try. Keep going.
• No one wants to see cool people doing brilliantly. I want to see the struggle. That’s the fun bit.
• Never confuse your right to say what you believe with a right to never be disagreed with and ridiculed for saying what you believe.
• You should bring something into the world that wasn’t in the world before. It doesn’t matter what that is. It doesn’t matter if it’s a table or a film or gardening – everyone should create. You should do something, then sit back and say, I did thatx9d.
• That’s the other thing I learned that day, that the truth, however shocking or uncomfortable, in the end leads to liberation and dignity.
• It’s a strange myth that atheists have nothing to live for. It’s the opposite. We have nothing to die for. We have everything to live for.
• Enjoy life. Have fun. Be kind. Have worth. Have friends. Be honest. Laugh. Die with dignity. Make the most of it. It’s all we’ve got.
• If you can’t joke about the most horrendous things in the world, what’s the point of jokes? What’s the point in having humor? Humor is to get us over terrible things.
• Beliefs do not change facts. Facts, if one is rational, should change beliefs.
• My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man. Incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990 and he hasn’t reoffended. I think he’s going straight, which shows you prison does work.
• The best advice I’ve ever received is, ‘No one else knows what they’re doing either’.
• I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most.
• You won’t burn in hell. But be nice anyway.
• Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.
• Here’s how my brain works: it’s stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis.
• It’s a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.
• I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of.
• Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.
• Of course, if you are fighting for your country and get shot or hurt, it is a terrible tragedy. But maybe, if you get shot by the dude you were shooting at, it’s a tiny bit your fault.
• Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.
• Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food.
• Thank you, Apple, for adding a camera to the iPod Nano. Now it’s just like the iPhone except it can’t make calls. So basically, it’s just like the iPhone.
• Honestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with.
• I don’t even read the papers. I read ‘USA Today’ because it has color photos.
• I’m going to North Pole to help out Santa this year.
• I want to be a dad. That’s floating to the top of my list. I think it’s such an important thing. I’m at the age where everyone has kids, and I ask them, ‘Is it like a puppy?’ And they go, ‘It’s 10 times a puppy.
• New Scientist magazine reported that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. That’s encouraging, considering an eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I’ve got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs.
• If you’re a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don’t have a choice.
• Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I’d have an excuse.
• The one thing you shouldn’t do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
• Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world.
• Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period.
• Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.
• My soul is not contained within the limits of my body. My body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.
• It is better to risk starving to death then surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what’s left?
• I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.
• I can tell you that the effect you have on others is the most valuable currency there is.
• My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.
• Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.
• I don’t want to be a vampire. I’m a day person.
• Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
• If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.
• I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that.
• Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well I have others.
• The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
• From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
• When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.
• I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
• Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
• Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.
• I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
• Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
• Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
• Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read, teach them to question everything.
• We’re all fucked. It helps to remember that.
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Try explaining Hitler to a kid.
• Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
• Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
• When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.
• Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
• Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
• Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
• Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
• It is failure that gives you the proper perspective on success.
• I think beauty comes from actually knowing who you are. That’s real beauty to me.
• It’s funny how the universe guides you to where you’re meant to be. I wanted to make people happy.
• Do we have to worry about who’s gay and who’s straight? Can’t we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?
• Embrace who you are. Literally. Hug yourself. Accept who you are.
• I think we need more love in the world. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that.
• I work really hard at trying to see the big picture and not getting stuck in ego.
• Find out who you are and be that person. That’s what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will come.
• Be open to learning new lessons, even if they contradict the lessons you learned yesterday.
• The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy by yourself and for yourself.
• My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.
• Why don’t they give us things we can actually use? I don’t need a thinner phone. You know what I need? I need to tortilla chip that can support the weight of guacamole.
• Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.
• Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.
• People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.
• Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
• Mick Jagger’s lips’ so big, black people be going, You got some big-ass lips!x9d.
• White people can’t dance. I’m not being racist; it’s true. Just like when white people say black people have big lips, it’s not racist; it’s true. Black people have big lips, white people can’t dance. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, What are those niggers doing in here?x9d They watchin’ y’all dance. And they’re like, Look at these crazy muthaf***as.x9d Y’all be stepping on people’s feet and hitting one another.
• If you have a flop movie, so what? And if you have a hit movie, it’s ‘so what,’ too – it’s on to the next movie.
• I’m sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.
• The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice.
• Fame for me is like a place, a country I’m taking a tour through.
• You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.
• They say love is more important than money…Have you tried paying your bills with a hug?
• You can only offend me if you mean something to me.
• Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it’s about having a lot of options.
• What the fuck do women want? I know what you want: everything.
• Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
• If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you’re ahead of the game.
• You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.
• If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.
• I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
• There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments.
• It’s extremely powerful to say no; it’s really the most powerful thing to say.
• Life is so damn short. For f*ck’s sake, just do what makes you happy.
• It’s hard to be an artist. It’s hard to be anything. It’s hard to be.
• A moat can be a pretty good thing. It can be lovely. It keeps rodents away from the castle. It can have fish in it. Even fish that talk. … If you give people access, they take advantage. My phone would ring 75 times in a row. Finally, I would pick it up and say, ‘Who the hell is this?’ ‘Oh, hi! I’m calling from so-and-so’s office…’ What kind of person would ever, ever let the phone ring 75 times? And I guess that’s when I started thinking: I can do without these people.
• I don’t believe that you can give the same performance every take. It’s physically impossible, so why bother? If you don’t do what is happening at that moment, then it’s not real. Then you’re holding something back.
• The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything,Axa0the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself.
• I live a little bit on the seat of my pants, I try to be alert and available for life to happen to me. We’re in this life, and if you’re not available, the sort of ordinary time goes past and you didn’t live it. But if you’re available, life gets huge. You’re really living it.
• There’s a wonderful sense of well-being that begins to circulate…up and down your spine. And you feel something that makes you almost want to smile. So what’s it like to be me? Ask yourself, ‘What’s it like to be me?’ The only way we’ll ever know what it’s like to be you is if you work your best at being you as often as you can, and keep reminding yourself that’s where home is.
• Don’t think about your errors or failures, otherwise you’ll never do a thing.
• People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise.
• Nothing prepared me for being this awesome. It’s kind of a shock. It’s kind of a shock to wake up every morning and be bathed in this purple light.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.
• I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
• I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
• Humor is a universal language.
• Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.
• Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.
• Jokes of the proper kind, properly told, can do more to enlighten questions of politics, philosophy, and literature than any number of dull arguments.
• Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.
• My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.
• Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly; devils fall because of their gravity.
• And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh.
• Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
• When people are laughing, they’re generally not killing each other.
• I like nonsense. It wakes up the brain cells.
• The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.
• Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
• If people never did silly things nothing intelligent would ever get done.
• You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.
• The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.
• A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
• A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in.
• Coffee, chocolate, men.
• Men are like a deck of cards. You’ll find the occasional king, but most are jacks.
• When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.
• Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
• America is a land where men govern, but women rule.
• Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we would never need solace.
• There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
• God made Adam first because he didn’t want any advice from Eve how to make Adam.
• When my wife says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go.
• The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
• Feminine intuition is a fiction and a fraud. It is nonsensical, illogical, emotional, ridiculous, and practically foolproof.
• Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid.
• I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
• A woman’s mind is cleaner that a man’s; She changes it more often.
• Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.
• The most terrifying thing any woman can say to me is Notice anything different?
• A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.
• Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious; both are disappointed.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
• Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
• My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor.
• I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
• Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.
• Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.
• What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
• If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.
• A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
• I never know what to say when people ask me what my hobbies are. I mean, I’m a mom.
• Toddler: Emotionally unstable pint-sized dictator with the uncanny ability to know exactly how far to push you towards utter insanity before reverting to a loveable creature.
• My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.
• Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
• When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.
• It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.
• I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or the acting like you know what you’re doing.
• Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and start using sleep deprivation to torture you.
• The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
• Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.
• Don’t yell at your kids! Lean in real close and whisper, it’s much scarier.
• If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
• Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
• I’m sorry. I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.
• I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
• Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.
• The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
• If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.
• Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.
• The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.
• The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.
• Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
• Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
• Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
• There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
• A boss on vacation is the most cost effective measure. Everybody in the office has a vacation at the cost of one.
• Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
• My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5.
• I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.
• The most important thing we learn at school is the fact that the most important things can’t be learned at school.
• School is learning things you don’t want to know, surrounded by people you wish you didn’t know, while working toward a future you don’t know will ever come.
• Work hard, nap hard.
• No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book.
• It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.
• Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today’s world – an assigned parking space.
• Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor.
• In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.
• Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.
• You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.
• The happier we get, the less we see.
• All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
• I spent 113 880 hours of my life for a paper and a handshake.
• If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.
• It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
• Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.
• There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.
• If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
• Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.
• I’m not arguing. I’m simply explaining why I’m right.
• If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.
• Please cancel my subscriptions to your issues.
• Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
• As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.
• A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.
• Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up? All the time.
• It’s only because of their stupidity that they’re able to be so sure of themselves.
• Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice.
• Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.
• Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
• I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
• What a nice night for an evening.
• I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
• My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
• You’re only as good as your last haircut.
• If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
• I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
• My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
• I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
• I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
• Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.
• Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.
• What was your key motivation for this piece? The due date.
• I just want my stomach to be as flat as my ass.
• I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode.
• You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
• If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge.
• You’re welcome to come here, except my beds from Ikea so it’s more unstable than i am.
• In this horrible time, let us at least be bolstered by small miracles like finding out your ex moved to a different city.
• Fries or salad?x9d sums up every adult decision you have to make.
• I don’t weigh myself because most scales don’t know how heavy all the grudges im holding onto are.
• If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.
• Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I fell it all the time.
• I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
• My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
• I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.
• My brain has too many tabs open.
• Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.
• Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.
• I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror.
• I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
• I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.
• Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.
• I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
• My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
• I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
• My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.
• What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?
• Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
• If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
• What’s another word for Thesaurus?
• All generalizations are false, including this one.
• Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
• Puns are the highest form of literature.
• I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.
• I’m addicted to placebos.
• Sane is boring.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
• Reality continues to ruin my life.
• When nothing is going right, go left.
• The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
• The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
• The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
• My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.
• The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
• If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
• That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
• I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.
• Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
• It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
• Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
• When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
• A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
• I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
• Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.
• Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
• I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.
• I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
• I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
• If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
• I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.
• Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
• Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
• This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
• Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.
• I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
• I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
• The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.
• I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
• Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.
• When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
• Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.
• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
• Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.
• I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
• Zach, To Brad Pitt: Is it hard for you to maintain a suntan? Brad: Why? Zack: Because you live in your wife’s shadow .
• I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.
• I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, ‘Dude, Where’s My Spaceship.
• I like to read the Bible in public places so people are watching me read it. I like just to murmur out to myself, ‘Oh bullshit’.
• My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron…and a lot like Patrick Ewing.
• When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria – not necessarily by choice – but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren’t there.
• I failed kindergarten because I couldn’t spell my last name.
• I think those neighborhood signs that say ‘slow children playing’ are so very mean.
• The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
• Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
• Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.
• Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
• The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
• Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
• I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
• Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
• I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
• I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.
• If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
• Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.
• Facebook: What’s on your mind? Twitter: What’s happening? Myspace: Where did everybody go?
• Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
• Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life.
• Aren’t we all striving to be overpaid for what we do?
• Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don’t know.
• Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.
• Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.
• As the wise man once said, ‘So?’.
• It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV.
• Say yes. You’ll figure it out afterward.
• If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.
• I say if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.
• Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet.
• Be so good they can’t ignore you.
• A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
• First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
• You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies – all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.
• Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
• I was deeply unhappy, but I didn’t know it because I was so happy all the time.
• Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.
• We’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday.
• I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
• Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
• Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time”of anything. If you’re laughing, I defy you to be afraid.
• Cynics always say no. But saying ‘yes’ begins things. Saying ‘yes’ is how things grow. Saying ‘yes’ leads to knowledge. ‘Yes’ is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say ‘yes.’
• Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.
• Don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise.
• I always recommend people get in trouble. Commit yourself to an open mike night or write something and say you’re going to read it in public, but get in trouble. You’re never going to learn until you fail. … You have to go out there and figure out what you can do and can’t do.
• Happiness can be really facile – To be with my wife and children, would be the deepest joy.
• I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it’s more than that. It’s an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche, and then applies an antibiotic cream. You gotta keep it away from your eyes… Obviously, it’s a challenge to make light of the darkness but, um, it’s better than crying about it.
• When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday – no matter what happened Tuesday.
• See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
• Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
• I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
• Being on the edge isn’t as safe, but the view is better.
• If you spend your days doing what you love, it is impossible to fail.
• You found it offensive? I found it funny. That’s why I’m happier than you.
• Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks.
• Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
• I definitely look at my body and I go ‘yuck’.
• Don’t text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don’t keep telling people what you’re doing. Also it lights up your big dumb face.
• Fuck it.x9d That’s really the attitude that’s keeps a family together. It’s not We love each other!x9d It’s Fuck it.
• There are two types of people in the world: People who say they pee in the shower and dirty fucking liars.
• Boys fuck things up. Girls are fucked up.
• Your phone doesn’t suck. Your life sucks around the phone.
• All I can do is try to create my own brand and have people appreciate me for that.
• Laughter heals all wounds, and that’s one thing that everybody shares. No matter what you’re going through, it makes you forget about your problems. I think the world should keep laughing.
• But at times, life is random if not downright stupid.
• Some sarcasm is best told simply.
• If I still cannot hear what you have to say after you have repeated it three times, I will just laugh and hope it was not a question.
• First off, my kids know I’m a big deal.
• Marriage is a 24 hour job. You get married, you’re no longer an individual. You can’t do nothing by yourself when you get married. Everything is a team effort. ‘Us’, ‘we’, ‘let’s’, honey, come on partner. You can’t do nothing by yourself. Kevin: Baby I’m gonna be right back I’m going to the store. Wife: Well, wait, let me get my coat. Kevin: Bit__, it’s right there on the corner. I just wanna get some chips. I ain’t going to sleep with nobody.
• I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like ! It was born 15 minutes ago it looks like a potato.
• These glasses are way 2 big for my damn face! I look like I got on a damn tinted construction mask.
• I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face.
• If we amplify everything we hear nothing.
• Religion. It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
• Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.
• If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not valuesx9d they’re hobbies.
• Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age.
• Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.
• It doesn’t make it a gotcha question just because it got ya.
• If ‘con’ is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just f*cking blow your mind!?
• I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance.
• If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
• I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
• I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.
• ‘Have fun’ is my message. Be silly. You’re allowed to be silly. There’s nothing wrong with it.
• I just really don’t like being the center of attention that much. It’s kind of ironic.
• I don’t like to kick people when they’re down. I like to kick people when they’re up.
• I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it. Then, I started meeting girls and I’m like ‘You know, maybe I shouldn’t be a Priest.
• You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.
• Behing every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
• Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
• You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out’.
• What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.
• It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
• A two-year old is kind of like a blender, but you don’t have any top for it.